Dear Nathaniel,
Yesterday was so strange in many different ways. I hope we were able to give you the most beautiful funeral possible, one that was able to honour your memory. I have found it very comforting that I was able to speak at the church and say what I wanted. It was so hard seeing you lowered into the ground but it's in a beautiful place that we can visit whenever we want.
Because your funeral was yesterday obviously there was no need to write to you, as I know you were able to hear my words and be there with us the whole day. It breaks my heart though that I will never be able to see your face again in person. But I know it will always be in my memory and we've been fortunate enough to get a lot of pictures of you.
I feel so fortunate that we were able to get all this time together and we were able to do so much for you. I love you so much my angel. What I'm afraid of now though is that there are no longer any plans. We're going out with family tonight for a meal which will be nice, but after that there are no plans at all which is quite scary in a way. I hope we can do you proud in whatever we plan to do for the future.
Tonight I'm playing us some Magma, specifically their 1973 album MDK. It's a great album, and I think you'll enjoy it too since it's very silly in some ways. Magma's front-man Christian Vander made up his own language Kobaian for all of Magma's albums and in doing so created a sub-genre of progressive/experimental rock called Zeuhl. Since it's all essentially in gibberish I can see a good appeal for children enjoying it.
It has a lot of fun melodies and vocals which are all supported by some amazing music in it's own right. Magma are just a great band, I've also decided to change the time I write to you to 6 PM UK time, so an hour and a half earlier so you can get to sleep a bit earlier my little love. I might change it again but I will always tell you of course.
I feel like I was able to do as much as I could yesterday, but it breaks my heart that it will be my last responsibility as your dad in this world. I find that very hard to accept, so I will always continue to do things that I hope you will approve of and make you proud. I find it hard to know what to do when our world has been torn down around us like this, but I know we will find out, for you.
I hope you like this album, it's always cheered me up to listen to Magma, even if for just a short while. Their music is obviously very unique which means I have to turn to Magma when I want to listen to anything as good with this sound. In a way I suppose that's good because I'll always be in familiar territory with them. I think I will have played Magma for you quite early on too, as long as it didn't scare you, although I'm sure it won't.
We played Close to the Edge for you at the pub, I'm sure you heard, it was nice to hear it again, it just reminds me of you so much, and I'm really glad for that. I don't want to let things make me sad like that, rather I want the memory of you to be a happy one, always. After the whole service when everyone had gone we went back home to pick up the cat and the rat and bring them back up here. I think we'll stay here for awhile, but I don't really know.
We've also arranged to donate to the charity that made your memory box, I hope we'll be able to help in that way, because it really helped us cope and there was lots of great advice. And once again we near the end of the album. I feel so grateful that I am able to do at least this for you going forward.
I love you, and goodnight my sweet angel Nathaniel.
Love from Dad.
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