Dear Nathaniel,
Hello my son, today was worse than I could have ever imagined, we had to register your death today and words just can't describe. I just felt cold and outside of my own body when we were there. I don't think anyone should ever have to go through something like this with their own child. We have also confirmed the date of your funeral, we don't want anyone to wear black and we want everyone to bring a teddy to cuddle during the service.
Today we're listening to Lizard, my favourite King Crimson album, it's not as beautiful as In the Court of the Crimson King but it has it's own emotional significance for me. It's always been my favourite KC album and it's because of the 23 minute masterpiece of a title track that dominates side 2. Believe it or not, this was my introduction to Jazz, or at least the fusion of jazz with progressive rock which in turn led me to a love affair with jazz itself which we can talk about some other day when I get the privilege of introducing you to my favourite jazz albums.
I hope you enjoy the playful lyrics of Indoor Games, they're wonderfully silly and happy. I love you my angel Nathaniel. It's so nice to say, think or write your name, it brings me a lot of relief from the pain. It's so easy to just sit here and think about you, but then I can't write to you, so I try to just sit and think afterwards.
It's really windy and the neighbours are busy tearing up their driveway so it's so hard to sleep especially for your mam being woken up by jackhammers and drilling at 7 in the morning after a restless night is awful. Especially when dreaming of you comes so easily to us and it keeps us going through the daytime.
I hope you're happy in Heaven and that everything is perfect for you there. Every time I see beauty in something I haven't seen before I feel like you're the one that makes me see it. I feel like you're looking out for me doing your best to make me happy and content and I thank you for that.
The start of the title song has never felt so emotional for me, I know that's you letting me see the beauty of things more clearly. I think we're going to try to relax a bit more tonight and just see if we can sleep properly for a day.
Sometimes it's easier to look for distractions even if I haven't found any real distraction but even then it's only to keep my mind away from the bad things while still remembering all the good times we spent together. I feel like I need to do something big, some type of significant project to help fill the time so at least I'm being productive in some way. I want to do something for you, so you can be proud of what I have done, but I don't know what.
I hope to be able to play you a lot more King Crimson in the future, they're a very diverse band that have embraced many different styles while retaining their KC sound so I really hope you're enjoying this one. For a few minutes it feels like time has slowed down to a crawl but it's nice to prolong this connection in any way possible. This is the best part of my day after all, I know I wouldn't be able to do more than this though since it is very lovely but very tiring mentally too. I can however just listen to music and think of you especially which I do whenever I hear good music.
I don't know how I'd be able to cope as I am without this connection, it just feels so nice to be able to connect like this. And be able to just let my thoughts run free on the screen. It's especially useful since my handwriting is less than legible, and that's a very generous assessment. There's something very beautiful about Robert Fripp's guitar work to end the album off, the last 3 and a bit minutes or so. It is mournful, but in a way that is very comforting and hypnotising. I hope you liked this album as much as I do.
We love you my angel, with all of our hearts. Goodnight my sweet angel Nathaniel.
Love from Dad.
No comments:
Post a Comment