Dear Nathaniel,
Hello again my angel. I had to do something no father should ever have to do today, I dismantled your cot without you ever having used it. I went back down home to bring the last of your things here so they can be stored away for a brother or sister you may get in the future. Driving is in some ways a good stress release as I can just sing along to music and relax but today I drove mostly in silence.
I felt your presence more than usual at home and when I was driving. I think it comes from being alone when I was there so all I needed to focus on was you, and in a way it made me feel good that I could get that connection.
I felt like I needed something a bit more upbeat today just to help me a bit since I've been feeling so tired and exhausted constantly. That's why I chose Wishbone Ash's debut which as you can hear is quite fast paced and energetic with the great twin guitars. Speaking of guitars I hooked up my Epiphone Les Paul to the amp today for the first time I can remember and played some chords. It was nice to hear the electric rumble and it felt right, just wish I had time to tune it but I wanted to be back with your mam.
I played your lullaby mobile before I dismantled the cot and it just broke my heart. Everything felt so unfair, you should have been able to sleep under that every night and you should have been able to snuggle up in your cot by our bed.
I think this is the first album I have played that doesn't have any significant or relevant lyrics. I suppose it's because there is so much focus on the guitar instrumentation and so little on the vocals. Since I write these letters to you as I can think of what to say I realise it becomes jumbled in a way but I don't want to edit my words to you, I want to keep them as pure and sincere as possible.
I have noticed that time seems to act differently when I write to you my sweet son. Sometimes half an hour is gone in the flash of a second, and sometimes a minute lingers on seemingly forever. The change of pace is refreshing given everything normally just moves very slowly forward right now. Had you enjoyed playing the guitar I would have loved very much to play the twin guitars of Wishbone Ash with you.
It's so easy to dwell on lost opportunities when really I should just be reminding myself of how lucky I was to be able to meet you and hold your perfect little hand. It's so easy to just fall into this spiral of despair if you pardon the cliché, I just need to focus on the good things and how precious our time together was.
We're meeting with funeral directors tomorrow morning, we'll hopefully be able to arrange a time-frame for everything which I hope will set my heart at ease a bit. This album is ended off by two beautiful ten minute long songs, one showcasing the bassists Martin Turner and the other guitarists Andy Powell and Ted Turner (no relation) although both have brilliant guitar work.
Everything feels different since you left us, I suppose I should expect that. There is an element of surrealism to everything I do and I still can't shake the feeling that everything is just a dream. I would call it a nightmare but you were too perfect, too beautiful for words. I hope you know how much we love you and that not a second goes past without us thinking about you. We both dreamt of you again last night, although there's nothing unexpected about that.
I still can't believe how hard it was to have to take down your cot without you ever having slept in it or snuggled up in the blankets there. The feeling of loss is still so fresh in my mind, and I suppose it has only been a bit over a week since we had the privilege of meeting you but it's feels so recent, but such a long time ago. There is a distinction in me that knows how long ago everything was, but the time before we found out feels like the memories of another, and the time after feels timeless in a way.
I know it doesn't make much sense but I hope you can understand. We love you so much, I can't say that enough, and we miss you my Nathaniel. saying and thinking your name makes me feel so much better as I do it, but the moment doesn't last for long. I just have to clutch onto the good thoughts to bring me through this.
Last night I felt so empty for so long until I remembered holding your little hand and just being so proud of how far you'd come and just being able to see how beautiful you were. I know nothing but time can ease the pain, but the emptiness has to be beaten by ourselves, and that's the hardest thing to do, because in emptiness there is no pain but I know it's no way to live.
Forever with you. Goodnight my lovely angel Nathaniel.
Love from Dad.
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