Dear Nathaniel,
Hello my angel. Today we're listening to an album that we played in labour. I've always loved Billy Joel and this in my opinion is his best piece of work. We spoke to the funeral directors today and set a date for the funeral as you know. Tomorrow we have the tough task of registering your death. It's not something a mam and dad should ever have to do for their child but we have to stay strong for you, we'd do anything for you.
It feels so strange listening to something like Billy Joel again, I never thought it would ever feel appropriate, but it's something I want you to hear. And it's nice to have something happy with us, other than our memories of you. All we have ever wanted is for you to be happy and feel loved, we never ever wanted to be away from you in any way, let alone this one.
It's so hard to stay awake for the whole day, everything is just so exhausting. But you keep us going through the days. But it's so easy to just want to sleep and dream of you. I feel so restless, like there's something I need to be doing, but I can't focus on anything. It's just so hard, and I suppose that's to be expected given that it hasn't been very long at all.
I love you so much, words can not express that enough and I love your mother so much too. We need to get through this together, as a family. Our memories of you keep us strong and keep us going from day to day. Our love brings us together, even if we are as apart as this. I feel close to you always and that will never change.
I hope you like Billy Joel, he is an amazing talent, but very different from what I normally listen to. I prefer more group orientated music but sometimes you just need a little Billy Joel to relax to and appreciate the beauty that life can bring. Thinking of you is all the beauty I would ever need until the day I die. You were so lovely and that memory will stay with me forever. It's so hard to accept that you're no longer with us, and I don't think that feeling will ever go away it just doesn't feel like reality.
I know all the crying or mourning in the world won't bring you back, but this overwhelming grief is as a result of the overwhelming love we have for you. We just want to be able to share the world with you, and we know that you will be with us always to experience everything that we do. Being able to share this music with you is such a help because it just makes me feel so at peace while I listen and write to you.
In a way I hope I am able to find the peace I need soon to be able to move on, but I don't know if I'll ever be fully ready for that. I never want to move on if it means making your memory any less important to me. Coming to peace with what has happened has to be done in a way where you're still our baby, our lovely child that means the world to us.
One thing I've realised with Billy Joel is that it's hard to write when he sings, and it could lead to some interesting words when you mix lyrics in with thoughts. I keep wanting to make sure the words I write for you are perfect, but at the end of the day I just write the first thing that comes into my head and that is fine by me, because it is pure thought in sentence form, sometimes. It hurts to wake up expecting to have a son by your side, and then realising that you're not with us in the way we always expected.
It is still a comfort being able to remember our time together and be able to cherish those precious memories, especially when it gets hard. I always dread the albums being over, but all good things must come to an end, and that is true even of things as perfect as you, despite our heart-wrenching protests. It's so nice to be able to have you fresh in my mind, because when you are right there, the pain just goes away for awhile.
I love you my perfect little angel. You are the light that gets me through this darkness and the happiness that I can hold onto in these hard times. Your mam and me love you so much and our love is no weaker for our broken hearts. I hope you sleep well tonight my angel Nathaniel.
Love from Dad.
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