Friday 30 September 2011

Day 24: Blind Faith - Blind Faith

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello again my angel, we're working to fix when we're sleeping so I've just gotten up, and of course I need to do this for technically yesterday since it's past midnight, it will all be back to normal again soon, at least I'm doing it every time I wake even if it's not on a strict schedule. With hindsight I realise making it a strict time was probably not the best idea when I've been having sleeping problems.

We went down home yesterday and sorted some stuff out and then we went to visit you, we had to take some of the old flowers away but I hope that's okay, we're keeping a bit of them to press in a book, that will be nice my love. It's really hot here at the moment and it's making it even more difficult to sleep, especially since that ends up being the middle of the day where it's hottest rather than during the colder night.

Tonight we're listening to the last Clapton studio album of the 60's, he's now gone full circle and come straight back to a more British blues oriented sound. It was recorded very quickly and in a way it shows, but it's really captured the energy of the band and that's exemplified on side 2, we'll get to that later. The album starts out with an 8 minute guitar piece, there's a bit of vocals spread throughout but it's basically just a really long and well structured guitar solo.

Along with Eric Clapton and Ginger Baker from cream the band is made up of Steve Winwood who joined after Traffic briefly disbanded and Ric Grech, the bassist from Family. The best part of the history of this album is that the members who recorded it dislike it. Critics and band members were disappointed by the quality of the music and the band disbanded shortly afterwards.

In a way it was just really poorly managed, the band started touring without much new material since it was in essence a "supergroup" the band didn't have that back catalogue of unreleased songs that a lot of organic bands have before making it big, this meant that they played a lot of old material from Cream and Traffic to fill time and please crowds. This led to the downfall of the band from within, there had been too much pressure to record quickly and tour rather than playing together and creating new material before releasing an album and touring.

Clapton wanted to separate himself from Cream and this wasn't the way to do it. Either way it's disappointing that this lineup didn't manage themselves properly since Clapton was on the top of his game when it came to playing the guitar and Winwood is a talented guitarist himself. Music was finally moving towards the true golden age however, and Blind Faith was just not quite there. Especially if you compare them to their direct contemporaries and Yardbirds spin off Led Zeppelin.

By the time Blind Faith was released Led Zeppelin had already released their debut album and were busy recording their second. This had set the bar for rock albums with Jimmy Page's vision for how albums should be structured and produced in hard rock. Led Zeppelin were incredibly tight with their performances and recordings and it's hard to compare it to anything. Progressive Rock was doing it's own thing independent of rock and that set a different precedent with equally pleasing results.

Blind Faith was stuck in the 60's while Led Zeppelin were a decade ahead already, however since it still was the 60's this is an absolutely great album on it's own. And it sounds great after spending days listening to only 60's albums but I know if I listened to Led Zeppelin or King Crimson's debut right now this wouldn't sound all that great in comparison.

The 15 minute jam to end off the album shows a lot of promise from a rock perspective and I love jams, but comparisons between this and prog are just completely unfounded. I have always liked the idea of jams like this with solos from various bands members are times, and it's fun to listen to. However it's more of a live thing to do. Generally bands record shorter riffs, and themes to expand on live during live improvisation. This is a great way to increase the length of a back catalogue without alienating fans. Led Zeppelin were great at this recording shorter songs around a main riff such as with Dazed and Confused or Moby Dick to allow for improvisation when the song is played live.

This makes this jam feel more like a live recording which is very enjoyable in it's own right, however it highlights the problems that the band was having in being unable to create enough material for them to perform live. It has a great energy though, especially during the great drum solo, it just feels like a cheap solution to a big problem the band had, and it's a shame because they had such great potential.

I hope you liked the album today my love, it's the last Clapton album of the 60's, we might follow his career a little later, but I want to focus on other late 60's acts before finally ending on the high that is Led Zeppelin's two great 60's albums. I love you my son. Goodnight my angel Nathaniel.

Love from Dad.

Thursday 29 September 2011

Day 23: Cream - Disraeli Gears

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello again my angel, I've been missing you a lot today. I've had lots of really weird dreams too, it's strange because every one without you just feels like a nightmare. I'm still not feeling my best unfortunately but I'll be okay my love.

Tonight, as promised we're listening to Cream's Disraeli Gears, I've always liked Cream. They had great potential but in the end it unfortunately didn't last long. Still they left behind 3 great albums, and a few good live albums, and add to that a lot of good performances have been bootlegged. As everyone should know influence in this era came from live performances and not studio recordings and Cream were a driving force in the establishment of long improvised jams live.

I've always seen one of the greatest things about live performance to be the creativity that comes from improvisation of lengthy passages by a member, or members of the band. A lot of that has been lost now as people just want to hear rehashed versions of 3 minute hits and the live experience just isn't as good as it was. Of course there are still bands that do improvise, they're just generally known for it now.

This album is different from the previous one's we've listened to in that it's starting to move more solidly away from blues and is starting to take on a form of it's own. It is of course becoming more psychedelic, but not exactly in the way we've heard before on say S.F. Sorrow. I love the guitar on this album, from fuzzy riffs to the near squeal of the solos, we're getting closer to the true 70's hard rock sound.

It still lacks the energy of later recordings, as well as the energy of their own live performances, there are few studio albums of the time that really have that extra special production that can capture the real energy of a band. It's interesting because production became better as you went into the 70's and took a drastic turn for the worst in the 80's as music became overly polished. This led to the vehicle that was able to capture the real energy of music turning it into lifeless plastic caricatures of what it once was.

Of course that type of overproduction was fixed briefly in the mainstream by grunge, but it didn't last long. Not that there's any life left in modern mainstream music. I've always found it interesting to be able to identify the decade of music by the production and style, of course that's not always possible as there is usually something that is just so innovative it just throws you off. Of course things can always be horrendously derivative and try to sound from an earlier era but it just never works. In the end those types of albums always end up just making a worse version of something old. Of course I do like the idea of being influenced by the sounds of earlier music but it has to be done in a way that doesn't just end up being a straight rip-off.

I always remember this album to be longer than 33 minutes, so I thought I had a lot more time with you tonight, I'll have to dig up a double album soon. Either way we have one more Clapton album from the 60's to enjoy tomorrow. Not sure if it will be time for Led Zeppelin after that, I'm dreading it in a way because once it's done I can't look forward to it anymore, I suppose I could always do a type of retrospective to revisit them again.

Goodnight my sweet angel Nathaniel, I love you and miss you so much.

Love from Dad.

Wednesday 28 September 2011

Day 22: John Mayall & The Bluesbreakers - Blues Breakers with Eric Clapton

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello my angel, we've just been to see you at the cemetery again, it's really nice there at night with your sun in a jar. It lights up around you with lovely blue light. It's been really hot today so I'm hoping for some cooler weather so we can sleep better. I think I might be starting to cope a bit better, I want to start doing things again instead of basically nothing, but that will come with time I guess.

Tonight, as promised we're continuing the theme of Yardbirds guitarists and listening to the album Eric Clapton went onto to record after leaving the Yardbirds. He joined up with visionary John Mayall and his Bluesbreakers for their debut album. While Clapton didn't stay with the Bluesbreakers for long this brilliant album is his legacy with the band.

There's something so downright appealing with this type of straight up guitar blues, basically every song is just a way to show off how good Clapton was at guitar. The great part is of course just how good Clapton was, and it just makes the whole album a joy this listen to.

The thing with Blues like this is that it just makes you want to sit and listen to it forever, at least that's it's effect for me. Even though from time to time I just want it to go a tiny bit louder, with just a bit more of an edge to the guitar, of course that comes later when the truly heavy guitar sound is perfected. I had also completely forgotten about the Hammond organ on this album and it's just such a treat to hear the instrument unexpected.

The Hammond organ is just not something that you could mistake for anything else. I've never quite understood what possessed blues, rock and prog artists to use the Hammond but I'm so glad they did. Of course that only really applies if the Hammond is in the hands of someone skilled with it, while it's not exactly crucial for short songs that use it sparingly it can become a problem in progressive rock.

Long sweeping compositions that rely heavily on the Hammond organ can sound absolutely amazing if played right, but it's incredibly easy to spot a bad Hammond player in progressive rock where it can become the focus at times, and it can sound absolutely dreadful. Of course that's not really going to be an issue here, or ever since I probably won't listen to an album with bad Hammond playing more than once.

I hope you're enjoying this style of the Blues my love, I guess sometimes Blues can be hard to get into and really appreciate when it lacks the poppy or psychedelic sound of a lot of the other 60's bands, but it really does become far more rewarding. Tomorrow we'll take one step forward into Clapton's history with his second album with his next band Cream.

I love you my son. I hope everything is so lovely for you. Goodnight my sweet angel Nathaniel.

Love from Dad.

Tuesday 27 September 2011

Day 21: Jeff Beck - Truth

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello again my love, I'm sorry I'm late tonight but I'm still not sleeping properly and it's just getting later and later so I need to fix that and maybe write to you before I go to bed in the morning, but I don't know. As long as I write to you when I can every day. It's getting really hard now, I thought it would start to get easier soon but it's just getting worse. I think it's going to get a lot more difficult before it starts to get easier, but at least I'll always have the memory of you to keep me strong.

I love you so much, and that love just increases every day I'm able to reflect on your time with us. I miss you my angel Nathaniel.

I thought it may as well be time to start a little theme going continuing the 60's exploration, since we did the Yardbirds yesterday and talked at length about their guitarists I decided to play some Jeff Beck tonight. This is his first album as part of the Jeff Beck group with two then mostly unknown musicians destined for great success. These were of course Ronnie Wood and Rod Stewart, the former replaced Mick Taylor in the Rolling Stones in the mid seventies and Rod Steward has been commercially successful for decades in various bands and his own solo career.

Success always seems to follow Jeff Beck, just not in the way he'd wanted I suppose. Although this album was a pretty big hit in the States reach 15th on the Billboard 200 Jeff Beck was never able to make a big enough splash to be remembered outside of fans of the era and great guitarists. Despite this Jeff Beck has always been incredibly influential, this album is considered yet another move towards hard rock and metal.

Beck doesn't bring anything new to the table in the form of songs, his innovation however was in the delivery of the guitar and Rod Stewart's fitting vocals. Listening to this album now you can see the definite link between more standard blues and the heavier rock albums that were released in the 70's. Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones once again appear on this album as well, Jimmy Page playing guitar on Beck's Bolero and JPJ contributing a lot to the album as a whole. Another familiar face is brilliant Who drummer Keith Moon who drums on Beck's Bolero too.

This whole album as a whole is a great mishmash of material that Beck was obviously wanting to release to showcase his guitar playing. Beck wasn't exactly ready to write completely new material himself yet which is what I find quite intriguing about his short lived band. Of course the compositions of the new songs make them almost completely unique but there's still a feeling of caution. Either way it makes for an interesting experience, I love the huge guitars and vocal performance on Ol' Man River.

There are times when I feel at peace with everything that's happened, but those moments are so fleeting they do nothing but confuse me as to what I'm supposed to do. I sometimes find it hard to know what to say to you here and in general, it's just strange. Because I had always wanted to teach you and tell you everything like this so I suppose it's alright to just get lost in the music discourse. Either way I hope you understand why I write like I write my angel.

With Beck's Bolero you really do get the sense that hard rock has been born, even though this album was released in 1968 this song was recorded in May 1966 and at the time was probably the heaviest thing ever recorded. I can't wait to introduce you further to the heavier side of rock music. Probably after we get some more of a progressive rock fix I'm guessing, but for now we'll be sticking with the 60's.

I was thinking further exploring Eric Clapton's career after he left the Yardbirds tomorrow, and maybe the day after that as well as he contributed a lot to the overall 1960's guitar sound with his work with with John Mayall and the Bluesbreakers and then with Cream and Blind Faith.

But that's all for today, as I bid you yet another late goodnight. I hope you sleep well my sweet angel Nathaniel. I love you, now and forever.

Love from Dad.

Monday 26 September 2011

Day 20: The Yardbirds - Roger the Engineer

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello my love, I hope everything's okay with you right now. I'm not feeling very well at all but I want to just get better for you. The nights are really hard and it's difficult to sleep still I doubt that will change any time soon I can't stop thinking about you and everything we had planned. I miss you so much beyond words, I can't start looking forward until I am able to fully come to terms with what's happened, and that just can't happen overnight.

It's been four weeks since we found out, I can't believe it's been that long already, you would have been with us for two weeks now as well. Nothing makes it easier other than thinking about all the love you brought us and the good times we did have. I love you.

Today we're listening to the Yardbirds, Eric Clapton has left the band, to be replaced with Jeff Beck, and since the album I have features two singles released during the period Jimmy Page also features in the middle. This is probably one of the most influential albums released, especially with the two extra singles factored in.

Not only is Jeff Becks guitar playing far ahead of it's times and will influence the way rock musicians play guitar for years to come, the Yardbirds were also instrumental in the creation of Psychedelic rock with their song Happenings Ten Years Time Ago. That track incidentally features not only Jimmy Page and Jeff Beck on guitar but also John Paul Jones on bass two years before he joined Jimmy Page's New Yardbirds (later Led Zeppelin).

I absolutely love this album, Jeff Beck is an absolutely amazing guitarist and adds a great hard rock sound with his energetic guitar work sprawled over the songs. I really enjoy the Yardbirds, not just for their music but also the history and legend around them and their lead guitarists. While Eric Clapton and Jimmy Page went onto super stardom, Jeff Beck was not able to emulate that same success, despite a brilliant innovative style and extreme skill.

Of course Jeff Beck didn't completely fall from the radar but his subsequent career just wasn't as successful, despite this Jeff Beck is still considered (and rightfully so) as one of the best guitarists of all time alongside the others. We'll be able to play you some of his other work some other time. I hope you're not getting tired of the 60's yet, because I hope to give you a bit more of a taste in the days to come.

I get really excited thinking about what I'm going to play you next but it always takes forever to decide, in the end I know I have all the time in the world to play you everything and that makes me happy. It feels really good to be able to do this for you, and I know I say that every time but it really does. I'm able to just forget about everything and focus on you and the music and telling you what I had always wanted to tell you.

When I write to you like this everything just disappears around me, for the most part, and I can just fade away from the world, and it feels really nice because I can feel you right there with me, and that's the beauty of music. I'm really glad I chose to use the re-release of this album with the two extra tracks in the middle. I never understood the practice of 60's bands to release singles that weren't available on any studio albums. Just like how See Emily Play doesn't appear on the real Piper at the Gates of Dawn despite being brilliant.

I suppose it's too late to change that now, and the shift towards album oriented music was slowly happening with Frank Zappa and Progressive Rock paving the way.

I hope you enjoyed the Yardbirds my love, I hope you sleep well. Goodnight my son Nathaniel.

Love from Dad.

Sunday 25 September 2011

Day 19: The Rolling Stones - Beggars Banquet

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello again my sweet angel. Couldn't sleep at all last night so I've just woken up. Waking up can be really hard when reality just hits again, but I don't want your memory to be a sad one. I hope I'll be able to sleep properly soon, and I hope I stop being so ill. It can't be good to get so little sleep and stay awake for so long. I hope your light has been gathering lots of sun today so it can be lighting you up when we go down to visit tonight.

We talked about how exciting the late 60's were with all the diverging styles of the British blues bands so I decided to play you some Stones. I've always been torn when it comes to the Rolling Stones after the 60's but they were undoubtedly one of the best acts at this time. Their 60's work really is brilliant, and I hope to be able to play it all for you at some point, UK versions of course for their earlier work.

The Rolling Stones didn't go as deep into the Psychedelic as the Pretty Things, but they weren't playing the music of the future either, in the end this style of modified Blues faded away as well once the 70's hit. Of course that doesn't make it any less great to listen to now. Of course when it comes to rock music, we all know it was shifting towards the more heavy styles of Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin that both formed the year this album was released.

Led Zeppelin was born from the ashes of the Yardbirds another 60's mainstay, and we can get more of that tale when we get the privilege of listening to either band soon. The Rolling Stones are nice in that they have fundamentally good music that is incredibly easy and not at all challenging to listen to. So it's very easy to get into and appreciate it for what it is.

Of course you can't listen to Progressive Rock all the time as someone who has just been introduced to it. Prog doesn't get tiring to me, but it's something I know very well, but it's still nice to appreciate music like this. I had always wanted to teach you all about the history of rock and roll, and I hope I can give you some snippets through this, might have to dig up some of the old blues albums to show you the true origins of British Rock music.

I hope you're getting all the love and cuddles we want to give to you and more, I know you will be. I know there are so many people that would have been waiting for you to give you so much love and attention. It really is helping me keep everything together, knowing that you'll be with loved ones. I know it will not be the same as mammy and daddy but I'm sure a part of us went there with you. I hope you will never ever want for anything and that you can see how much we love you.

I love the musical style of Stray Cat Blues, it features a more chaotic guitar style that always sound really great to me, and a little tease of distortion from the Rhythm guitar leaves me wanting a lot more from the album, but that's how the stones were. They always changed things up and liked to keep a lot of their songs stylistically apart, at least at this stage.

And you always have to admire a band that switches between electric and more acoustic instrumentals quite seamlessly while still having their own unique sound on both. Of course the whole electric/acoustic thing was subject to heated debate at the time, I'll have to play you some Dylan, before and after to discuss that further. Of course British rock bands were heartily using everything at their disposal without really caring. At this point I could also talk about the rock ballad as it is somewhat similar but if we ever get to listen to some 80's rock/"metal" bands I could explain it better.

At the end of another album, I really don't like when they end, will probably have to start playing some modern or double albums to get more time with you. I love you. Goodnight my sweet angel Nathaniel.

Love from Dad.

Saturday 24 September 2011

Day 18: The Pretty Things - S.F. Sorrow

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello again my angel, we brought you a present today to light up your little grave. I hope it lights it up tomorrow night once it's had a full day of sunlight. I don't know how I'd be able to cope with this if we hadn't got all the time we did with you.We were able to spend so many hours together all three of us in the same room, but it really makes me miss being able to hold your hand or kiss your little forehead. I suppose it's far better to miss doing these things than to never have been able to at all.

Today we're listening to a nice little concept album by then psychedelic geniuses The Pretty Things. This is truly an essential album in music history, and a really enjoyable one at that. It's so easy to just get whisked away in the story and psychedelia. There's something quite special about this period in British music, there are so many overtly British bands all making their own interpretation of popular music. From the Yardbirds, to Cream and everything in-between.

It's the Blues Jim, but not as we know it. As the early 60's Blues immitators became the next wave of British innovators the Pretty Things were right in the thick of it. There was a huge shift in the sound of rock in general around this time moving into the 70's and it's just great to hear all the different bands takes on what it should turn out like.

Of course once the 70's actually hit music became even more hugely fragmented and there would never really be another defining sound to an era, only fading fads. In the end it was for the best of music, at least for awhile, and of course the genres set in motion here in the late 60's by guitar heavy bands willing to experiment and make a bit of noise are the only hope of good music still being made today. But that's a point for another day.

While the album's story itself is amazingly depressing it's always cheered me up for some reason. I suppose it's because I tend to shy away from the idea that, with a few notable exceptions, rock musicians are good lyrical storytellers. It's always better to focus on the music itself rather than the lyrics, of course lyrics are still important, they should just always take second place behind the music. That doesn't exactly apply to all genres of music, but it's a general rule of thumb.

I'll have to play you some more psychedelic rock soon, since I can imagine it being really fun for kids too, and it's something that Americans are actually good at too, so we'll get to play some more non-British music. Although the origin of music isn't as significant as the music itself of course, it can be a good gauge of quality.

I probably prefer Piper at the Gates of Dawn by Pink Floyd as the height of British psychedelic rock but for me this album comes in at a close second. Nothing can quite match Syd Barret's whimsy and straight up flair for the genre.

I hope you're not getting into too much trouble my little angel, I predict you'll be getting up to all kinds of mischief if you're not watched closely. I know you'll be having lots of fun and getting lots of love, that's a given since you already have all of ours. Goodnight my sweet angel Nathaniel.

Love from Dad.

Friday 23 September 2011

Day 17: Gentle Giant - Octopus

Dear Nathaniel,

Sorry about yesterday, I was too ill to do anything, let alone use a computer. But we were thinking about you the whole time, I knew I just had to get better for you. I'm still not completely well which is why I'm a bit delayed in doing this today. The days I'm not able to write to you make me feel very unfulfilled, I'm glad I'm able to do this for you at least.

We went to see your grave today, the white flowers on the teddy and heart are turning purple and it looks really nice. I hope we're able to pick a lovely gravestone for you, it might feel more complete once one is put in, things still don't feel real, and it's really difficult to cope with that. I know that I'll get through this for you my love.

Today we're listening to an old favourite with Gentle Giant's Octopus. It's one of my favourite Gentle Giant albums, but it is really difficult to pick a favourite out of their first seven albums. They're all really good and there is a distinctive change in their sound between each album, but it still retains that wonderful GG charm. I could listen to Gentle Giant all day if I had the choice, and there have been days where I've done just that.

As a progressive rock band Gentle Giant haven't drifted towards the long compositions and 20 minute epics, rather going for fast paced multi-instrumental songs to make the best of their talents. It can be very refreshing to listen to this style of prog from time to time. Gentle Giant were never a band to just go with the crowd like that, and write 20 minute epics because that's what was expected.

The high-point of this album for me is the instrumental The Boys in the Band, I just really enjoy high energy instrumentals like it, and it really shows what the band was capable of. I know you'll love this, it's just really nice and fun, and I hope you don't mind I was a bit late today. We were just out visiting you for awhile and then we went to get some shopping in .

I love you so much my little son, Yngve Nathaniel William Fjermestad. It's really nice to see your name, and to say it and write it out. One of my little daily pleasures is writing the Dear Nathaniel at the start of each letter to you, it just feels so nice and right. I'm really glad I can do this for you my sweet angel.

I think everyone should give this album a go, it's a real gem even for people who have written off prog completely. It's just straight up good music, and I think anyone should be able to appreciate that. I hope that I didn't wake you my sleepy little angel, and I hope that you have a great night. Goodnight my sweet angel Nathaniel.

Love from Dad.

Wednesday 21 September 2011

Day 16: David Bowie - The Man Who Sold the World

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello again my angel. I kinda like this new time since it's always nice and bright outside when I write to you, at least until winter sets in a bit more. I had really been looking forward to winter, and having you all snuggly with us, we'll have to get extra snuggly for you if we're here for winter. My mam is on her way home now. We went down to visit you this morning and everything around you is very beautiful. I feel lucky that I'll be able to visit whenever I'm here, and I'll always know where you are.

I mentioned David Bowie earlier when talking about Frank Zappa, maybe it wasn't the most popular portrayal, but Bowie's music went significantly downhill later on in his career. This is his third album and definitely one of his best. I really like this Bowie period, it's 70's rocky pop at it's finest. While there is not much positive to be said about pop after the 70's there was a lot of good poppy albums released in the 60's and 70's. Of course those albums are those that relied mainly on rock mainstays such as the guitar or on solid musical background like Billy Joel.

I feel very comforted by the thought of you being safe and surrounded by love, it is one of the things that really help me keep going. It's already two days since your funeral, and it just feels like hours. It's so hard to put a perspective on things, especially when it's so hard to sleep. Everything just makes it a lot more difficult, it should be so easy to sleep since I can dream of you, but it's just so hard to settle down and drift off. So we end up staying awake for a long time between sleeping, and of course that ends in us sleeping for a long time.

I suppose we should just go about things day by day and not worry too much about things like sleeping patterns. I want to start getting into better shape soon though, maybe starting on Monday if I can, it's something I wanted to do after you were born, and I feel like I should still do that for you. I just want to make you proud and do right by your memory.

There's something quite intriguing about David Bowie, in that even when he was making good music, the whole style of his albums never seem to quite gel like the album of a real band would. There's always a jumbled mix of styles and musical themes that sometimes detracts from the experience. It's quite clear that Bowie viewed the album as more of a mix of songs than as a cohesive piece. Even on Ziggy Stardust, a concept album in it's own right I still get that feeling.

It might simply be because I'm so overly used to progressive rock albums that always somehow seem to come together really well because the band are all focused on one the one sound. Even Frank Zappa's Freak Out! for example where the whole point is to parody different genres it still feels cohesive because of that theme, which is especially significant since it's a double album.

I hope you enjoy this album, and David Bowie's good years as a whole, it's a nice view into the lighter side of guitar music. It always feels like it's more geared towards sales than music, but sometimes that can still result in good music. The title track is especially brilliant, but feels isolated from the rest of the album. I know I can be overly critical but I do really like David Bowie, it's just important to learn about criticising something that is overall very good.

Yet again we reach the end of another album, I really hope you're enjoying this as much as I am my little love. I love you so much, and I miss you. I hope you sleep very well tonight, and don't worry about us, we'll find sleep when we need it. Goodnight my angel Nathaniel.

Love from Dad.

Tuesday 20 September 2011

Day 15: Magma - Mekanïk Destruktïw Kommandöh

Dear Nathaniel,

Yesterday was so strange in many different ways. I hope we were able to give you the most beautiful funeral possible, one that was able to honour your memory. I have found it very comforting that I was able to speak at the church and say what I wanted. It was so hard seeing you lowered into the ground but it's in a beautiful place that we can visit whenever we want.

Because your funeral was yesterday obviously there was no need to write to you, as I know you were able to hear my words and be there with us the whole day. It breaks my heart though that I will never be able to see your face again in person. But I know it will always be in my memory and we've been fortunate enough to get a lot of pictures of you.

I feel so fortunate that we were able to get all this time together and we were able to do so much for you. I love you so much my angel. What I'm afraid of now though is that there are no longer any plans. We're going out with family tonight for a meal which will be nice, but after that there are no plans at all which is quite scary in a way. I hope we can do you proud in whatever we plan to do for the future.

Tonight I'm playing us some Magma, specifically their 1973 album MDK. It's a great album, and I think you'll enjoy it too since it's very silly in some ways. Magma's front-man Christian Vander made up his own language Kobaian for all of Magma's albums and in doing so created a sub-genre of progressive/experimental rock called Zeuhl. Since it's all essentially in gibberish I can see a good appeal for children enjoying it.

It has a lot of fun melodies and vocals which are all supported by some amazing music in it's own right. Magma are just a great band, I've also decided to change the time I write to you to 6 PM UK time, so an hour and a half earlier so you can get to sleep a bit earlier my little love. I might change it again but I will always tell you of course.

I feel like I was able to do as much as I could yesterday, but it breaks my heart that it will be my last responsibility as your dad in this world. I find that very hard to accept, so I will always continue to do things that I hope you will approve of and make you proud. I find it hard to know what to do when our world has been torn down around us like this, but I know we will find out, for you.

I hope you like this album, it's always cheered me up to listen to Magma, even if for just a short while. Their music is obviously very unique which means I have to turn to Magma when I want to listen to anything as good with this sound. In a way I suppose that's good because I'll always be in familiar territory with them. I think I will have played Magma for you quite early on too, as long as it didn't scare you, although I'm sure it won't.

We played Close to the Edge for you at the pub, I'm sure you heard, it was nice to hear it again, it just reminds me of you so much, and I'm really glad for that. I don't want to let things make me sad like that, rather I want the memory of you to be a happy one, always. After the whole service when everyone had gone we went back home to pick up the cat and the rat and bring them back up here. I think we'll stay here for awhile, but I don't really know.

We've also arranged to donate to the charity that made your memory box, I hope we'll be able to help in that way, because it really helped us cope and there was lots of great advice. And once again we near the end of the album. I feel so grateful that I am able to do at least this for you going forward.

I love you, and goodnight my sweet angel Nathaniel.

Love from Dad.

Sunday 18 September 2011

Day 14: Frank Zappa - '

Dear Nathaniel,

I am writing to you now, even as you lie across from me in your beautiful coffin. This will be the last time I will ever be able to play you a full album with you in the room. I know you like this one too since I've already played you it when you were born. This is quite a silly album and I think it fits well.

Tomorrow we have the impossible task of finally putting you to rest. I really hope I'll be able to make you proud and say what I have written for you well. I know I will never again have the pleasure of being able to sleep in the same room as you. So for now this will probably be the last time in a long time that I will be able to sleep as well as I could before. I love you Nathaniel, and I know you are well within the gentle arms of angels.

I really think this album is appropriate for you tonight. It's the type of album a little boy would find a lot of joy in. I had always wanted to play you Frank Zappa to teach you more about the fun that music can be, I will of course play you more of his albums as time goes by, I really hope you like this one. Playing it, just like playing Close to the Edge and the Hermit by Mountain Ash bands, the three albums I played you the night you were born makes me feel very close to you again.

Writing these I have always felt like you've been right in the room with me. Now that you're right here I feel it even stronger than before, and I'll always have this memory with me forever. I know I started late tonight, but I just wanted to play it for you when we were all settled in bed as a nice goodnight.

This is also a really short album, a little longer than Pink Moon, but still ten minutes shorter than most 70's albums. Either way it's a great little experience. It's really hard to describe exactly what type of music Frank Zappa plays. It can be described under the general banner of experimental or progressive rock, but I think Frank Zappa with all his different styles and periods can simply be looked at as it's own genre. His music was always changing, but unlike David Bowie Frank Zappa's music wasn't defined by the music that was popular at the time, but rather by Frank Zappa himself. This is something that I find really admirable about Zappa's music.

I love the jammy style of all of Frank Zappa's recordings, it has a very loose and organic feel to it, something that I really do like in music, especially if it turns out sounding this good. I feel like I've just daydreamed this whole album away, but that is one of the beautiful things about music I suppose.

I love you so much my angel Nathaniel, in a way I am really looking forward to tomorrow, but I'm also dreading it. It feels like I will be able to say goodbye tomorrow in a way that I could never do before, but I just don't know if I'll ever be ready to do so. That's why I suppose it's good that a date had to be set eventually.

I'm glad I'm starting to feel tired, I want to be all rested for tomorrow, and I know that I'll be able to sleep so safe and sound when I'm next to you and your mam. We have the window all open too so the morning light can come in. I hope we get some sunshine tomorrow, it would be nice. I hope you like all the silly songs tonight, especially this last one, Stink-Foot.

I will dream of you, as always my love, even as you lie right next time me. I hope you like the service tomorrow. We have our lovely Vicar Gareth looking after the whole thing, he's a great man and will make everything just perfect, just like you. Goodnight my sweet angel Nathaniel. I hope you sleep well tonight.

Love from Dad.

Saturday 17 September 2011

Day 13: Jethro Tull - Thick as a Brick

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello again my son. You got to meet your grandmother today, it was very nice that she was able to see you. Knowing that soon I won't be able to see you again is just pulling my world apart, but I know that we can't leave it like this forever. I love being able to kiss your little forehead and nose and see you all snuggled up as you are. It's just such a help for everything that we have been given this gift of being able to still see you when we want. Your great granddad has decided to come from Norway to be at the funeral too which is very nice. I have decided the two passages that I want to read for you, but I have yet to find the perfect words to say from my own heart.

I know that I will be able to find the words that I need, and I just hope that they will be as beautiful as you. I love you, and I always will my sweet beautiful little angel. I hope you like what I have decided to read, I am reading a poem of unknown origin and a verse from the Norwegian national anthem so that you may know of the country of my birth. And I had always wanted you to be able to speak Norwegian too.

Today I just knew I wanted to listen to Thick as a Brick to further your progressive rock listening experience. This is a truly seminal album of the genre as it represents not only the humour and lightheartedness which I love about prog but also the pretentious element that has caused it much disdain. The latter is mostly tongue in cheek. It all started with Aqualung, the album Jethro Tull released before Thick as a Brick.

Many critics and fans speculated that Aqualung was a concept album, based on two songs being similar in theme, however it was only those two songs in which any story was interlinked so as such wasn't a true concept album and was never intended as such. Especially considering the musical theme shifts throughout the album as well. When Jethro Tull learned of aqualung being considered a concept album they decided to show them what a concept album really looked like.

The result was Thick as a Brick, which has only one song (divided into two parts because of the limitation of vinyl) a true concept album in every sense of the word. And that is the tongue in cheek look at what it means to make pretentious music. Of course Thick as a Brick, and most good progressive rock is as far away from pretentious as possible, but it will still be labelled as such.

I love Jethro Tull, even their questionable 80's period, although I haven't actually listened to anything released after Crest of a Knave due to poor reviews, they most certainly managed to make great music for a significant amount of time. Starting as a blues band with a twist and ending up as a hard prog band in the 80's after being one of the defining progressive rock bands of the 70's.

There's something so enticing and unique about Ian Anderson's flute and vocals that just separate Jethro Tull away from other progressive rock bands. Accompany that with a very strong and dominating guitar performance by Martin Barre and you have a great sound for all of Tull's albums. We'll get loads of time to listen to more Jethro Tull in the future as well, so this won't be the last time you'll hear them.

I enjoy this album so much ever time I listen to it, it's just really good. Like all good albums it just ends so quickly that there doesn't seem to have ever been any time for reflection about the music during the album itself. It feels like all the albums I play you are over in a short second and I'm left to think about you in silence. I think more people should embrace music as a way to mourn, it's really helping me to be able to do this.

Also today we were delivered a huge basket of flowers, well they were for your mam from my uncle and aunties and they were absolutely beautiful, the flower delivery man said he hadn't seen anything so nice and big. It's really nice to know that there are so many people out there that love all three of us and that care so much.

We're seeing the Vicar Gareth tomorrow, he is the one that will be handling your service and he's just a great and kind man that will do everything he can to make it as special and beautiful as possible. It feels very nice to have that being done by someone we know. You'll have the most lovely service, I know it my son. In a way it will be nice when it's done, it might help ease the pain, and give us even more to remember you by.

I love you my angel Nathaniel, my beautiful baby boy. Goodnight my lovely son, may your dreams be filled with warmth, love and lots of cuddly things.

Love from Dad.

Friday 16 September 2011

Day 12: Rush - Moving Pictures

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello my angel, it hasn't been long since we went to visit you today, it's so nice to be able to sit with you again. Whenever I see your face I just remember the day you were born and seeing you for the first time, so beautiful and so perfect.

Today as I told you before we're listening to Moving Pictures by Rush, another power trio but this time it's more prog than hard rock, even if Rush did have their roots in simpler music. This is one of my favorite non-metal albums from the 1980's and a progressive rock album at that, one released after prog was well and truly dead as a mainstream movement. Even so this was a very successful album, at least in North America.

There's something about this album which has always intrigued me, in a way it's quite polished, but it seems polished to preserve the often harsh and natural sound of the performance. It's something which is very often missing from modern albums, especially modern Rush albums. Either way the production really goes well with the album and it just sounds amazing.

I know it's different from a lot of the older, British progressive rock bands you've listened to so far but this Canadian effort really deserves acknowledgement for keeping prog alive in the 80's, even for just a short while. I think my favourite song from this album is the instrumental YYZ. Which is based on the airport in Toronto and playing YYZ itself in Morse constitutes the main riff and themes.

Your grandmother, my mother, is coming tomorrow. Hopefully she'll get to meet you tomorrow as well, that would be very nice. She's coming all the way from Australia a place that I had always wanted to show you, it gets very hot there at times which I'm not the biggest fan of though. I hope you like how music makes you feel and I hope you can feel how I feel when I listen to it while thinking of you.

I've listened to this album so many times over the years that I pretty much know it off by heart, I always played it when I was in the mood for something with big guitars and a prog rock vibe, which I suppose was a lot. I think the only album I've listened to more is Led Zeppelin's IV, which is a great album, even if it isn't my favourite Led Zeppelin album, that would be Presence. I might have listened to The Mars Volta's Amputechture more too, but it won't have been by much.

Either way I really love what Rush was able to do with three men and forty minutes, in the 80's the decade that good music generally forgot and production managed to ruin so much talent.

I still can't believe how lucky I am to have ever been able to meet someone as beautiful as you and be able to feel the love that I do for you. It just feels so overwhelming and amazing. Even if your time with us has been short, I feel like you have been the brightest flame in my life. And it's so easy to just bask in your memory and our love for you. I know the pain will take a long time to fade, but at least we can focus on the gift that your presence has been to us.

I suppose that this was always the plan all along, even if we didn't know it, so there must have been a reason for you to hold on for so long. I know that whatever was planned for you will find you well in heaven, and that you will know of the joy and love that you brought us, and that you will never know of pain, suffering or sadness.

And once again we arrive at this point, unfortunately the last song of this album is only a short four minutes. Even if it is a very catchy and good song. I love you my angel, you are the light of my life and I know you're looking out for us where you are. I hope you enjoyed Moving Pictures as much as I do.

Goodnight my angel Nathaniel, I'm thinking of you, now and always.

Love from Dad.

Thursday 15 September 2011

Day 11: Budgie - Never Turn Your Back on a Friend

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello my angel, as you know we went down to see you today and you were just as perfect and as beautiful as we remembered. We've also arranged for flowers for you which look really good, it's a little teddy bear. When we were out we also visited cemetery and someone you've probably already met. I hope everyone's taking very good care of you my love.

Today I wanted to listen to something a bit heavier. This album from 1973 is by one of the few good things to come from Wales; Budgie, but don't hold that against them, they really know how to rock. Sometimes you just want something loud to rock out to and Budgie is generally a good, if not exactly common choice. Generally overshadowed by bands with more success, especially as the years go by and the collective memory begins to forget the music that defined the era.

There's something so liberating by this type of fast paced heavy music, one of the early precursors to metal a genre that I will eventually introduce you to, well the finer parts of metal at least. Norway has a special fondness for metal, or at least a special aptitude at creating it, but Norwegian metal is generally not appropriate for children so I will probably have to wait awhile to introduce you, even if you've already heard one of the bands in Ulver.

It was so amazing to see you again my lovely little baby Nathaniel, even if it was in a little coffin rather than your cot. You looked so peaceful and sleepy and adorable with your little hat on. It was so lovely, and I hope to see you again every day until Sunday when you come home to us. I hope everything will be really nice for you and that I will be able to find the right words to say for you.
You know I'll always love you. No matter where you are. Feel it all around you. My love will travel far.
I'm very glad I decided on Budgie today because I was really in the mood for something like this. And the best part of it is that it has a ten minute song to finish it all off, although we're not that far in yet. There's some great performances in this album too, especially the drumming and guitar work, it's a very complete package for a power trio.

Your great grandparents just rang and send their love and best wishes to you my angel. It's really good to know that there is so many people that love you. And there's so many people that will be able to look after you. Your mam says they'll all be lined up for the chance and I'm sure she's right. I know that our love will be all around you too, just like you're all around us.

It was so amazing to see you when you were born, the love we felt was so overwhelming and unlike anything we'd ever experienced. That is the love and bond that is shared between parents and child and it really is something truly beautiful and precious. I could never have imagined ever being able to experience such a strong and true emotion, thank you so much my angel Nathaniel, for everything.

I hope to see you again tomorrow, it was just so nice to be able to be there and talk to you, and I know that soon we will never be able to do that again like that. But I know you'll always be right there with me whenever I think of you, or want to talk to you.
Guide me to a place where I can stay. Wrap me up and keep me warm. Hide myself far from the storm. Sleep and love will keep my mind at rest. Only now I realise what my parents had to try. Love you all and keep you all my life.
 Everything just changed when we were expecting you, it was impossible to think about anything else without being reminded of the blessing that was going to come to us. I know that was not the plan that was put in place for you, and I know that you will be somewhere better. But the selfish part of me just wishes I was able to do everything that I had imagined and dreamed of with you. I know there's nothing gained from being bitter or angry so I won't be. I will however give myself the little privilege of being selfish for a bit.

And like that, for another day the album is ending, like it always does. And my thoughts are all of you my sweet angel. I love you, and want to tell you every day. I hope you enjoyed the album today, I know it gets a tiny bit heavy but that's just how rock is, and I love it.

Goodnight my sweet angel Nathaniel, I hope you sleep well with all of our love.

Love from Dad.

Wednesday 14 September 2011

Day 10: John Coltrane - Blue Train

Dear Nathaniel,

After awhile I decided this would be a better introduction into Jazz and we'll get the chance to listen to some Monk later. There's something so liberating about jazz in that it just lets the mind go free when listening to it. At least that's how I feel about hard bop, and to a lesser extent 70's jazz fusion.

Today we were able to sort out some more things for your funeral. We have decided on the songs we want played at the church, but have yet to decide about hymns. We've also arranged to go to a pub afterwards and they're letting us play what we want which was very nice. We're going back down home tonight for a few hours to sort some things out.

I really hope you can come to love Jazz like this as much as I do. There's just something so cool about it, it does what it pleases and I find that very endearing. The best part about it is the huge back catalogue of great albums from the 50's and early 60's.

I'm both dreading and looking forward to the funeral. I want to write a special message to you and I also want to find a poem or something to read for you in the church for the service. I don't really know how much time things will take there because 30 minutes seems short, but we can see when we get to talk to the people who know. It's really hard to think about at times, but that's only because it's something I never thought I'd ever have to do.

I hope we're able to give you something that you can be proud of and that will be able to help us get through everything. It's really hard to accept the finality of a funeral though which in a way is why I'm dreading it. But I know the memories and love we have for you will never be buried. We will never forget how beautiful and how perfect you are and how nice it was to be able to have shared the time together that we did.

There are times where I wish I had done more, but I didn't know, and I couldn't have. I loved every second that I was able to feel you kick or hiccup. Every time we could see you on scans or hear your heartbeat. Every time I heard you wiggle about when I pressed my ear to you and you'd kick me. I can't thank you enough for letting me have those memories that I hold so dear to my heart.

Nothing has ever made me feel more thankful than what you were able to give me. And your blessing is what lets me go on, from day to day. Every time the last song comes I always get a bit more sad because I know it will soon be time to stop writing. Although the last two albums had 20 minute finishers I'm not that lucky today  with a short and snappy 7 minute number. I feel so fortunate that I'm able to look forward to something like this every single day.

I love you my angel Nathaniel, I know I say this a lot but it really is a pleasure to write your name, it just feels so right and so nice. I think we chose really well with Nathaniel, it fits you just perfectly, our gift from god. We'd have called you Nate for short, and could easily just revert to Nathaniel if you were causing mischief, although that would probably be your mams job since we'd be mischievous together.

I miss you every day, even though I can feel you so close to me. I hope you are as happy as can be. Sleep well my wonderful, lovely angel Nathaniel.

Love from Dad.

Tuesday 13 September 2011

Day 9: Caravan - In the Land of Grey and Pink

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello again my love, I want something more happy and fun to make you laugh and make me feel better tonight. I really enjoy Caravan and the fun side of Progressive Rock which is unfairly labelled as something very stuffy and pretentious.

Days just start to blend together in a way which is odd given how slow time passes. Your grandmother, my mother will be there at the funeral, I'm very happy because she'll get to meet you in that way so at least some of my family were there. She's coming all the way from Australia, which is a place we've always wanted to go with you, we might get the chance later on this year or next year, that would be lovely and I know you'd be with us every step of the way.

Whenever I write to you it feels like you're so close, right by my side instead of just around me and that's such a big comfort. It feels like whenever I play music for you like I'm doing it completely directly my little angel. I know that most of the albums I've played so far have been progressive rock, but that's what is closest to my heart when it comes to music. And too few people appreciate it for what it is and how nice and enjoyable the music of the genre is.

I feel like we can almost see the top of the mountain now in a way, although it might just be another perceived top with yet another summit behind it. I want to feel better for you and honour your memory without sadness, but I'm not quite there yet.

I really like the title track, it just has a lovely little quaint melody and themes. You'll notice how this album has almost exactly the same structure as the last album with the first side consisting of four quite short 5 minute ish songs and then the second side having a 23 odd minute epic to end the album off. I really like the length of albums as dictated by the limits of Vinyl LP's. around 44 ish minutes is just the perfect length to keep the material strong and without filler.

Your grandad, my dad just rang, like he does everyday, he's thinking about you very much my little angel. Like we all are. I feel a bit overwhelmed writing to you today, it's so easy to just sit and think about you my angel.

Caravan are a Canterbury band which was a progressive rock movement that was centered around Canterbury and a lot of the best prog rock came from that area. I hope to be introducing you to a lot more Canterbury as the weeks go on and I really hope you are enjoying your first little taste of it. Maybe soon I'll be ready to listen to First Utterance by Comus with you, I don't think your mam would have approved of me playing that for you before you were quite a bit older.

I'll of course be playing you lots more progressive rock and Canterbury is no exception, I just want to introduce it quite lightly at first so I really do hope you've enjoyed your first taste. There is a lot of jazzy influences within Canterbury prog so I guess you were a bit ready for it since we played Lizard yesterday, I'm not sure whether to play you some straight up jazz next or introduce you to it more smoothly with some more fusion but I guess I'll do what feels right at the time.

I might see if I can find some Thelonious Monk to play tomorrow, it would be nice to relax a bit to some good hard bop, it's very good for the soul. I look forward to listening to it with you.

We love you so much my angel, I hope all your hopes and dreams are coming true for you and that you're as happy as a wonderful little baby should be. I hope you sleep very well tonight my little lovely, and until tomorrow. Goodnight my angel Nathaniel.

Love from Dad.

Monday 12 September 2011

Day 8: King Crimson - Lizard

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello my son, today was worse than I could have ever imagined, we had to register your death today and words just can't describe. I just felt cold and outside of my own body when we were there. I don't think anyone should ever have to go through something like this with their own child. We have also confirmed the date of your funeral, we don't want anyone to wear black and we want everyone to bring a teddy to cuddle during the service.

Today we're listening to Lizard, my favourite King Crimson album, it's not as beautiful as In the Court of the Crimson King but it has it's own emotional significance for me. It's always been my favourite KC album and it's because of the 23 minute masterpiece of a title track that dominates side 2. Believe it or not, this was my introduction to Jazz, or at least the fusion of jazz with progressive rock which in turn led me to a love affair with jazz itself which we can talk about some other day when I get the privilege of introducing you to my favourite jazz albums.

I hope you enjoy the playful lyrics of Indoor Games, they're wonderfully silly and happy. I love you my angel Nathaniel. It's so nice to say, think or write your name, it brings me a lot of relief from the pain. It's so easy to just sit here and think about you, but then I can't write to you, so I try to just sit and think afterwards.

It's really windy and the neighbours are busy tearing up their driveway so it's so hard to sleep especially for your mam being woken up by jackhammers and drilling at 7 in the morning after a restless night is awful. Especially when dreaming of you comes so easily to us and it keeps us going through the daytime.

I hope you're happy in Heaven and that everything is perfect for you there. Every time I see beauty in something I haven't seen before I feel like you're the one that makes me see it. I feel like you're looking out for me doing your best to make me happy and content and I thank you for that.

The start of the title song has never felt so emotional for me, I know that's you letting me see the beauty of things more clearly. I think we're going to try to relax a bit more tonight and just see if we can sleep properly for a day.

Sometimes it's easier to look for distractions even if I haven't found any real distraction but even then it's only to keep my mind away from the bad things while still remembering all the good times we spent together. I feel like I need to do something big, some type of significant project to help fill the time so at least I'm being productive in some way. I want to do something for you, so you can be proud of what I have done, but I don't know what.

I hope to be able to play you a lot more King Crimson in the future, they're a very diverse band that have embraced many different styles while retaining their KC sound so I really hope you're enjoying this one. For a few minutes it feels like time has slowed down to a crawl but it's nice to prolong this connection in any way possible. This is the best part of my day after all, I know I wouldn't be able to do more than this though since it is very lovely but very tiring mentally too. I can however just listen to music and think of you especially which I do whenever I hear good music.

I don't know how I'd be able to cope as I am without this connection, it just feels so nice to be able to connect like this. And be able to just let my thoughts run free on the screen. It's especially useful since my handwriting is less than legible, and that's a very generous assessment. There's something very beautiful about Robert Fripp's guitar work to end the album off, the last 3 and a bit minutes or so. It is mournful, but in a way that is very comforting and hypnotising. I hope you liked this album as much as I do.

We love you my angel, with all of our hearts. Goodnight my sweet angel Nathaniel.

Love from Dad.

Sunday 11 September 2011

Day 7: Billy Joel - Turnstiles

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello my angel. Today we're listening to an album that we played in labour. I've always loved Billy Joel and this in my opinion is his best piece of work. We spoke to the funeral directors today and set a date for the funeral as you know. Tomorrow we have the tough task of registering your death. It's not something a mam and dad should ever have to do for their child but we have to stay strong for you, we'd do anything for you.

It feels so strange listening to something like Billy Joel again, I never thought it would ever feel appropriate, but it's something I want you to hear. And it's nice to have something happy with us, other than our memories of you. All we have ever wanted is for you to be happy and feel loved, we never ever wanted to be away from you in any way, let alone this one.

It's so hard to stay awake for the whole day, everything is just so exhausting. But you keep us going through the days. But it's so easy to just want to sleep and dream of you. I feel so restless, like there's something I need to be doing, but I can't focus on anything. It's just so hard, and I suppose that's to be expected given that it hasn't been very long at all.

I love you so much, words can not express that enough and I love your mother so much too. We need to get through this together, as a family. Our memories of you keep us strong and keep us going from day to day. Our love brings us together, even if we are as apart as this. I feel close to you always and that will never change.

I hope you like Billy Joel, he is an amazing talent, but very different from what I normally listen to. I prefer more group orientated music but sometimes you just need a little Billy Joel to relax to and appreciate the beauty that life can bring. Thinking of you is all the beauty I would ever need until the day I die. You were so lovely and that memory will stay with me forever. It's so hard to accept that you're no longer with us, and I don't think that feeling will ever go away it just doesn't feel like reality.

I know all the crying or mourning in the world won't bring you back, but this overwhelming grief is as a result of the overwhelming love we have for you. We just want to be able to share the world with you, and we know that you will be with us always to experience everything that we do. Being able to share this music with you is such a help because it just makes me feel so at peace while I listen and write to you.

In a way I hope I am able to find the peace I need soon to be able to move on, but I don't know if I'll ever be fully ready for that. I never want to move on if it means making your memory any less important to me. Coming to peace with what has happened has to be done in a way where you're still our baby, our lovely child that means the world to us.

One thing I've realised with Billy Joel is that it's hard to write when he sings, and it could lead to some interesting words when you mix lyrics in with thoughts. I keep wanting to make sure the words I write for you are perfect, but at the end of the day I just write the first thing that comes into my head and that is fine by me, because it is pure thought in sentence form, sometimes. It hurts to wake up expecting to have a son by your side, and then realising that you're not with us in the way we always expected.

It is still a comfort being able to remember our time together and be able to cherish those precious memories, especially when it gets hard. I always dread the albums being over, but all good things must come to an end, and that is true even of things as perfect as you, despite our heart-wrenching protests. It's so nice to be able to have you fresh in my mind, because when you are right there, the pain just goes away for awhile.

I love you my perfect little angel. You are the light that gets me through this darkness and the happiness that I can hold onto in these hard times. Your mam and me love you so much and our love is no weaker for our broken hearts. I hope you sleep well tonight my angel Nathaniel.

Love from Dad.

Saturday 10 September 2011

Day 6: Wishbone Ash - Wishbone Ash

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello again my angel. I had to do something no father should ever have to do today, I dismantled your cot without you ever having used it. I went back down home to bring the last of your things here so they can be stored away for a brother or sister you may get in the future. Driving is in some ways a good stress release as I can just sing along to music and relax but today I drove mostly in silence.

I felt your presence more than usual at home and when I was driving. I think it comes from being alone when I was there so all I needed to focus on was you, and in a way it made me feel good that I could get that connection.

I felt like I needed something a bit more upbeat today just to help me a bit since I've been feeling so tired and exhausted constantly. That's why I chose Wishbone Ash's debut which as you can hear is quite fast paced and energetic with the great twin guitars. Speaking of guitars I hooked up my Epiphone Les Paul to the amp today for the first time I can remember and played some chords. It was nice to hear the electric rumble and it felt right, just wish I had time to tune it but I wanted to be back with your mam.

I played your lullaby mobile before I dismantled the cot and it just broke my heart. Everything felt so unfair, you should have been able to sleep under that every night and you should have been able to snuggle up in your cot by our bed.

I think this is the first album I have played that doesn't have any significant or relevant lyrics. I suppose it's because there is so much focus on the guitar instrumentation and so little on the vocals. Since I write these letters to you as I can think of what to say I realise it becomes jumbled in a way but I don't want to edit my words to you, I want to keep them as pure and sincere as possible.

I have noticed that time seems to act differently when I write to you my sweet son. Sometimes half an hour is gone in the flash of a second, and sometimes a minute lingers on seemingly forever. The change of pace is refreshing given everything normally just moves very slowly forward right now. Had you enjoyed playing the guitar I would have loved very much to play the twin guitars of Wishbone Ash with you.

It's so easy to dwell on lost opportunities when really I should just be reminding myself of how lucky I was to be able to meet you and hold your perfect little hand. It's so easy to just fall into this spiral of despair if you pardon the cliché, I just need to focus on the good things and how precious our time together was.


We're meeting with funeral directors tomorrow morning, we'll hopefully be able to arrange a time-frame for everything which I hope will set my heart at ease a bit. This album is ended off by two beautiful ten minute long songs, one showcasing the bassists Martin Turner and the other guitarists Andy Powell and Ted Turner (no relation) although both have brilliant guitar work.


Everything feels different since you left us, I suppose I should expect that. There is an element of surrealism to everything I do and I still can't shake the feeling that everything is just a dream. I would call it a nightmare but  you were too perfect, too beautiful for words. I hope you know how much we love you and that not a second goes past without us thinking about you. We both dreamt of you again last night, although there's nothing unexpected about that.


I still can't believe how hard it was to have to take down your cot without you ever having slept in it or snuggled up in the blankets there. The feeling of loss is still so fresh in my mind, and I suppose it has only been a bit over a week since we had the privilege of meeting you but it's feels so recent, but such a long time ago. There is a distinction in me that knows how long ago everything was, but the time before we found out feels like the memories of another, and the time after feels timeless in a way.


I know it doesn't make much sense but I hope you can understand. We love you so much, I can't say that enough, and we miss you my Nathaniel. saying and thinking your name makes me feel so much better as I do it, but the moment doesn't last for long. I just have to clutch onto the good thoughts to bring me through this.

Last night I felt so empty for so long until I remembered holding your little hand and just being so proud of how far you'd come and just being able to see how beautiful you were. I know nothing but time can ease the pain, but the emptiness has to be beaten by ourselves, and that's the hardest thing to do, because in emptiness there is no pain but I know it's no way to live.


Forever with you. Goodnight my lovely angel Nathaniel.


Love from Dad.

Friday 9 September 2011

Sleep Well My Angel: Brahms' Lullaby

Dear Nathaniel,

It's been a whole week since we were blessed with your birth. Sleep well my angel.

With all the love in the world. 

Your mam and dad.

Day 5: Ulver - Shadows of the Sun

Dear Nathaniel,

It's been another tough day today. I think it has to do with the fact that it's been a week now since you were born, you were so beautiful, so perfect. We miss you so much and we send you all of our love.
The sun is far away. It goes in circles. Someone dies. Someone Lives. In pain.
We'll be meeting with funeral directors either on Sunday or Monday morning and then we will register our loss on Monday too. I don't know how it feels to be doing these kinds of things, it all feels so soon, so fresh. Right now all I want to do is sleep and dream of you and remember the good times we shared.

Today I decided to play another album that fits my mood that I had hoped to play to you so you could learn to fall asleep while listening to music. It is a very relaxing, sombre and atmospheric album that deals with grief in such a lovely way. It's amazing given that I fell in love with Ulver as a black metal band that also had a beautiful acoustic album. They went through a strange electronic phase and came out of that with this lovely piece. I find it so fitting right now.
For love. The only thing that makes us human.
I find it increasingly difficult to find the words to say when talking to others right now. Being able to write to you is a great relief and it makes me feel a lot more comfortable. I just remember holding your lovely little hand and praying for you, and thanking God for being able to meet you. I think being able to have had that time together will make everything a lot easier eventually.
Do you know. If it is a word. Is it love? Does it hurt? Deep inside. Like music. 
Everything still doesn't feel real, it still just feels like a dream. But we have to stay strong and honour your name and give you all of the love we can. I know that right now you're safe and happy, and that is my main solace throughout all this, along with having met you.
For those. Who used to be. And now are. In the dark. Light a candle. And say their name. One last time. Let them go. We will follow. When time comes. To pray for life. To begin again. To eternity. A flower will open. On the grave.
One of the hardest things right now to face is the sound of silence itself. It is the last thing you'd expect, but silence just echoes in the empty hole that losing you has left behind. That is why I thank you for being able to share this music with me so that at least for these brief moments we will not be in silence together.

It feels strange to say this, but since we lost you I have been able to see the beauty in a lot of things and a lot of things just feel clearer, nothing compares to your perfect beauty, but it can be appreciated, and it feels nice but sad. I know we have to move away from this feeling of sadness, but it's hard my angel. I know it will get easier but I never want to forget you or feel anything less with regards to your memory.

I don't think words can express how much I look forward to be able to write to you each day. It keeps me going when the pain becomes too much. In a few hours it will be a week since you've been born. And I want to be able to play you the special lullaby we played you and send you a few words and wishes of love.

It's very easy to get lost in the atmosphere of this album and just want to sleep the days away, which is in some ways very comforting. Especially given how hard it has been to finally sleep, even if that is getting a bit easier as time goes by. I hope my words are finding you safe, and I hope they don't bring you any sadness, because that is not something I ever want you to know. I want you to know how much we love you, and we would do anything for you and your happiness. We miss you from the depth of our hearts, our perfect little angel.

I will save the goodnight for later my sweet baby.

Love from Dad.

Thursday 8 September 2011

Day 4: maudlin of the Well - Part the Second

Dear Nathaniel,

Sorry I'm ten minutes late in starting but I was on the phone to your great aunt who sends her best wishes and love. Your mam has had to look after me a bit today because I'm a bit sickly and have a bad back but I'll be feeling better soon when it comes to that. We'll be thinking more about planning your funeral soon, I hope it does your memory justice and that it will be a celebration of our love.

This album was probably the last piece of music that I ever fell in love with, it hard to put into words, it just has its own special beauty. It makes me feel relaxed and always seems to magnify the mood I'm in, I suppose that it might have been a poor choice in that regard. Today has been hard and I hope that you know that even though I am sad now I never want you to ever feel that way or feel pity for me Nathaniel. You're the most important thing for us right now and I hope you know that.

We love you so much and that love will never fade as the days go by. It's hard to imagine ever being in this position but we want to stay strong for you, so you can see your mam and dad happy again someday.
Like a stone I fell, and was engulf'd in winter darkness. Silence filled each sphere from my lips escaped.
It's so hard to think about your funeral right now, and I hope you understand. Hopefully my mother will be able to be there too, coming all the way from Australia so we do need to set a date soon so we can get it all organised and perfect for you. I hope I'll be able to play you some of the music that we have shared together both before and after everything happened.

It has almost been a week since you were born and we were able to meet you and see how beautiful you were and every day since I have felt blessed that I was able to meet you and spend the time with you that I did. I was able to sleep a lot last night, and it feels nice to be able to do so, I hope you're sleeping well too and not worrying about a thing.

maudlin of the Well are a band that I had hoped to introduce you to much much later on when you were at least a teenager, if you still wanted my advice on what to listen to then. This album is completely different from their other work which is more metal than well whatever Part the Second can be classified as. This album has some beautiful Violin pieces which I have always loved especially when interspersed with more traditional rock instruments in a prog setting.

This album is an emotional roller-coaster for me, especially now, writing to you my son. The ending of Rose Quartz Turning to Glass makes my heart race and makes me miss you more than I ever thought possible. The feeling I get is the same as my memories of playing sport or chess at school, a feeling of competitiveness and the rush of winning. It's something I had always imagined being able to feel watching you compete in anything you had wanted to. Feeling fresh pride like I do right now for you. Don't ever doubt that I am proud of you for everything you managed. For being my perfect little angel.

It's always hard finding the words, and I hope that you can understand how I feel and how much I love you. This is the fourth time I have had the privilege of doing this with you and each time it just makes you feel closer to me than before and I take great comfort in that.
It isn't like planting a though in your head. Or an image of a though. But more like creating a thought. In sympathy with yours.
I don't want to be angry or bitter about anything however at some point it is nice to be able to release some energy. This album is certainly more energetic than the previous three and I think choosing from the music I have always wanted you to know is easier when I base it on my mood for the day. It certainly makes it easier to talk to you since I can channel my mood through the music.

That's why I don't like deciding on the next album until I feel ready. The one thing I don't like about Part the Second is how quickly it's over, even if it's the same length of most older prog albums. It's just so easy to get caught in my thoughts and have the minutes fly by. In a way it's refreshing since time feels like it's almost at a standstill everything is moving so slow. In a way it's nice since it feels like we have more time to think about you and how much you mean to us.

Your mam is sleeping next to me, even though the music is turned up as high as it can go, she's cuddling baby Mickey and I know that she sends her love.

Until tomorrow, goodnight my angel.

Love from Dad.

Wednesday 7 September 2011

Day 3: Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here

Dear Nathaniel,

I'd like to start off by saying I'm very sorry I wasn't able to do this yesterday but I was in the hospital with your mam all night. We had a bit of a scare and thought she might have a blood clot but it turned out to be nothing serious at all so that was a huge relief. Since everyone is so nice at the delivery suite we were able to stay overnight in the room you were born which was lovely and helped me sleep. The album that I'm playing today is one we played when your mam was in labour and it rings so true.
Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun. Shine on you crazy diamond.
I find great comfort in playing the music that we brought with us into the hospital because it helps us remember how you were and how it was. Last night I dreamt about you as I slept in the sofa that I fell asleep on holding your hand what seems like years ago even though it hasn't even been a week. We miss you very much and we've been thinking about your funeral. We've decided we want everyone to bring their favourite teddy bear to cuddle during the service. I think that would be beautiful and you would like it very much.

I love the guitar on this album, it's definitely the best aspect of this album. I had always wanted to teach you how to play and appreciate just how great and versatile the instrument is. Waking up today was a bit strange, being in that hospital room and noticing you weren't there was quite difficult but I know you will have been there with us in spirit and that helps me with everything. I had such a hectic day yesterday. I was quite far away when I was told your mam was in hospital and going to stay overnight so I had a mad rush to get up home in very windy weather. When I got there it was just waiting and wondering what was wrong, I was so relieved when it turned out to be nothing serious at all.

I hope you weren't scared for us and that you knew all along that everything would be fine, it would break my heart to think of you ever having to worry about us. I still feel like I haven't fully recovered physically let alone mentally from everything that has happened. I'm already very very tired and it's just Ten to Eight at night. I think I will be sleeping soon after I eat. I hope to dream about you again it makes everything feel so much better when I wake up.
Come in here, dear boy, have a cigar. You're gonna go far, fly high. You're never gonna die, you're gonna make it if you try; they're gonna love you.
When I was away from your mam at the other house yesterday I didn't feel lonely because through the love we share for you all three of us will always be close at heart. It feels so comforting just sitting here writing this cuddling baby Mickey and listening to music that I have always wanted to share with you. The title track is one of the first few songs I learned to play on guitar and it always makes me remember different times. But now all I can think about is you, and that makes me feel better.

I have promised myself not to dwell on anything bad and only take away the good that has come from this. The love we have for you can never be broken and our memories of you will keep us strong and knowing that, and writing that helps more than I would ever have guessed.
How I wish. How I wish you were here.
 Of course that doesn't mean I won't ever be sad again, and it doesn't mean I'm not more sad than happy, but I feel like once we know how to cope and how to make things feel better without having to forget we will be able to move forward, for you. I finally convinced your mother to watch the Hudsucker Proxy today and she really liked it, I know you would have too, it's a very silly film but it's lots of fun. It feels really nice to be able
to tell you about my day and everything like that.

It sounds weird since that's probably not what I intended this to be, but I know you're listening with me, so I don't need to describe the music unless there's a special part I want you to take note of. I can tell you a bit about Pink Floyd though and why I like them so much. I think this is my favourite Floyd album followed by Piper at the Gates of Dawn and then Animals. Other than the brilliant work of guitarist David Gilmour, the whole feel of the good post-Barrett era albums are very special to me. Like all good Progressive Rock it's very human and full of emotion that many have always accused the genre of lacking.

It's weird how quickly these albums end when talking to you, everything is just over in a flash and then I have to wait a whole day to do it again. Hopefully it will just be one day this time instead of two and I am again sorry that I wasn't able to. But I felt the same feeling that I do now when I was there in hospital, maybe even a bit strong. It's hard not to feel close to you in the only room where we've seen you in since you were born. I feel so glad that I got the opportunity to spend so much time with you and holding your hand and kissing your cheek. It's such a comfort that we were able to do that, and also gets lots and lots of pictures which have already helped me to grieve a lot.

And I can't stress enough how nice everyone at the delivery ward are. They all said how beautiful you were and hoping we'd be back soon with a little brother or sister for you. Goodnight my angel

Love from Dad.

Monday 5 September 2011

Day 2: Nick Drake - Pink Moon

Dear Nathaniel,

Hello again my angel, today I have an album that I wanted to play to you when you were very little to help you sleep and get you used to noise so that you could sleep better. It matches my currently very somber mood even though this album has always made me very happy. It's so simple and beautiful, beautiful like you are. I also wanted you to know this album when you were older too because it is great for coping with a lot of things.

Nothing can ease the pain of your departure but being able to talk to you and listen to Nick Drake right now is dulling it. It feels comforting to be able to communicate with you like this my love.

You can take the road that takes you to the stars now. I can take the road that'll see me through.
Not a minute goes past that I don't have the privilege of thinking about you, and remembering you and how you looked. I miss you so much, but I know that we can't dwell on things we can't control. We can only grieve in our own ways and eventually find our path back onto happiness. I know that you want us to be happy, as happy as you are with god in heaven. I know that you never want us to feel pain or sadness or suffering, and it comforts me that you will never know these things but we have to live on for you.

I think it's a bit unfair that Pink Moon is such a short album since I won't get to spend that much time talking to you like this today. So I want to do something longer tomorrow, I promise. It just felt so fitting since I would have wanted to play this to you the day we brought you home and put you to sleep in your lovely cot. I hope that the lovely music will keep you warm and keep us warm when we try to cope.

The cats have been funny recently, I know you would have loved their antics. Rusty has been very clingy with us, I think she knows we need some extra love to help us cope down here. You would have loved Rusty, she's very kind and playful just like you were in the short time we got to know you. There's Mandoo too your grandmother's cat, she's not so keen on cuddles but I know she would have loved them from you. Finally there's Sakaki that lives at home, she's had her troubles but she has a kind heart and loves to be stroked, she would have loved you.

Pink Moon has the spirit of autumn and I feel that when we lost you on that Monday summer truly left, so it feels appropriate to bring in autumn into our minds. This is a very easy album to fall asleep to and sometimes sing along to, so I had hoped to play it to you lots.

I hope you remember how much everyone loves and cares for you, especially your mam and dad. We love you so much and want the best for you, so please don't spend even a second worrying about us, we'll make it through this for you. We will know happiness again, but never at the expense of your memory. I know it's not something we can ever forget, losing a child as wonderful and perfect as you, we will always cherish your memory.

I hope you were able to see how brave your mam was and has been, she was so strong in bringing you into this world and she has so much love to give to you. Baby Mickey is with us too right now helping me write this to you. He spent all the time we did with you in this world and I hope it comforts you that we always keep him by our side, especially when we sleep.

I was finally able to sleep for a long stretch of time today since we were told that we had lost you on Monday last week. It helps to be more awake, but it makes the pain more clear, but my mind can cope better.

A day once dawned, and it was beautiful. A day once dawned from the ground. Then the night she fell, and the air was beautiful. The night she fell all around.
Goodnight my angel Nathaniel. I look forward to tomorrow.

Love from Dad.
 

Sunday 4 September 2011

Day 1: Yes - Close to the Edge

Dear Nathaniel,

It has only been five and a half hours now since we saw you for the last time, five and a half hours since I held your hand and kissed your cheek. I remember playing this album for you with your mam lying on the sofa and you just being our little baby wiggles, kicking when you heard this. I also remember only a day ago playing this song for you as we lay side by side with you in your little cot.

The reason I wanted you to hear this is because in my opinion is the perfect example of a Progressive Rock album, in fact it is probably the only truly perfect album only released. I wanted you to enjoy and love this piece as much as me. It's not my favourite album because that for me is a constantly shifting and fragile thing.

Down at the end, round by the corner. Close to the edge, just by a river. Seasons will pass you by. I get up, I get down. Now that it's all over and done. Now that you find, now that you're whole.
 I find in this album things which remind me of you, just like I do everywhere. While I had planned to play this for you when you were very little along with classical music I had not planned to play it again until you were quite a bit older. There is so much attached to the memory of playing this to you when you were still in your mam's tummy and having you kick whenever there was a bit of complex instrumentation or Jon Anderson sang a bit louder than normal.

All I can think as I listen is how much you mean to me and how much I will cherish the short time you, your mam and me spent together as a family. We had so much hope and so much love to give, and we will continue to give you all the love in the world. While doing this I also pray to send my love to you in heaven and I hope you can hear my words and understand how much you mean to me, to us.

I am holding your little baby mickey and cuddling your mother thinking of you, I know that you're with us and can see how much we love and miss you.

A man conceived a moment's answers to the dream. Staying the flowers daily, sensing all the themes. As a foundation left to creat the spiral aim. A movement regained and regarded both the same. All complete in the sight of seeds of life with you.
 I felt so prepared for every eventuality except for the reality of what happened. When we knew we had lost you on Monday I felt empty, plans dashed and wandering around a world that would not know you. I did not know how special it was when you came to see us on Friday and how comforting it was to be able to hold you and to share music with you. Everyone was so nice to you and your perfect little features made me so proud. I feel so privileged to have been able to meet you even for just such a short time.

You were able to hold out for a full 38 weeks before you fell asleep and I just feel so happy that I was able to spend that time with you, I keep thinking about how I slept holding your hand and how your mam did the same. And I keep thinking about your blessing and the words that you were given from God and how nice to was to be able to have family there too.

Even though the real album is over now, I cheated a bit and played Yes' lovely cover of America too since I played that when you were in your mummy and I remember you kicking when the guitar played. Thank you for listening with me and thank you for being such a blessing. You will always be in my heart and my memories and thoughts today and forever. Goodnight my angel.

Love from Dad.

Our Little Angel


At 22:51 on the 2nd of September our little angel Yngve Nathaniel William Fjermestad was born asleep. He will always be in our hearts and minds and will always be with us. The love that we share is unbreakable, the time we had with our beautiful baby boy was brief but it has changed our lives forever.

One of the first things I wanted to share with Nathaniel when we found out we were to be blessed with a little baby was to play him the music I love. Music has and is helping me deal with the loss of our little boy and I want to remember him every day by playing an album that I wanted to share with him at some point during his life. I know he will be listening and I hope he will enjoy it as much as I do. I will be listening to the album starting 7:30 PM UK Time and posting my thoughts and message to Nathaniel once it is finished.

The love that we have for our little angel can not be put into words, and this is only a small part of my grieving process. I want to thank everyone that has helped us through this time and continue to help us going forward.

This is for you, Nathaniel.

With Eternal Love, Nathaniel's Dad.